Monday, May 12, 2008

Continuing drama of "How to Get a Massage". Or: Is that guy gay?

So, what we've learned so far is that I got a gift certificate to the spa last Mother's Day and it took me months to finally use the thing. Funny how something I'd always wanted so badly just kinda sat around for a while before being used.

What I should explain (because my new friend, Deb made an excellent point) is that the two massages that I've had at a spa have been totally therapeutic. I get these huge knots in my shoulders because I get stressed . . . and the stress leads to tense shoulders because that's just where it all goes to. At one point I was actually in physical therapy because of the pain radiating from my shoulder and all the way down my arm. I was in constant pain. Always. Every minute. No kidding. Pain relievers didn't even help. Anyway, when you go for a massage, they do ask if there are any areas you would like them to focus on and I always answer 'my shoulders'. So, even though I was too chicken to have my nails done, choosing the massage was supposed to help get some of those knots out of my shoulders.

Anyway, on to my story. I'll lay out the instructions step-by-step for you.

  1. First, call the spa to make your appointment. Act surprised when a guy answers the phone. Assume he's probably gay by the sound of his voice. Wonder to yourself if he just answers the phone or if he provides any services in the salon. Consider that maybe he's a hair stylist. Don't give it a second thought that he might give massages. I mean, only women give massages in salons, right?
  2. Show up for your appointment, but first, take a bath and shave your legs. Don't want to have pricklies now, do we?
  3. When you walk in the door and there is no one at the desk, have a seat. Read a magazine. Tell the lady who finally asks if you need help that you're there for a massage. Don't look too surprised when she says 'he'll' be back in a minute. Start to get nervous.
  4. When 'he' walks in and asks if he can help you, tell him why you're there. Try not to let your eyes pop out of your head when he talks. It's rude to stare.
  5. Start filling out the paperwork given to you about your health history. There are certain health conditions which pretty much disqualify you from getting a massage. At this particiular salon, this might not be a bad thing.
  6. When 'he' asks about your weekend, talk about how busy you've been for the past four days. Don't fall out in the floor laughing when he responds with a "Guuuurrrllll" (as in 'girl' in a gay guy sort of way). Focus on filling out your paperwork. Read the instuctions three times.
  7. Don't hyperventillate when he says he'll be right back, and he's going to go get things ready. Try not to look too confused as you try to figure out who will be doing your massage.
  8. Notice the line on the paperwork that explicitly says that massages are for theraputic, non-sexual purposes only. Breathe out.
  9. When you're finished with your paperwork, give it to 'him' and fight the urge to run from the salon.
  10. Try not to freak too much when you get back to the massage area and you finally come to grips with the fact that he is going to be doing your massage. Ignore the 77 knots that suddenly pop up in your neck and shoulders.
  11. Wonder what God thinks about all this. Wonder what all your Christian friends would think if they knew you were going to get a massage from a guy. A possibly gay guy. Try not to think about how your husband is going to feel about this. Figure out a way to call your husband.
  12. Try to change your mind. Wonder what he'd think if you said you need to come back when a woman was there to give the massage.
  13. When he tells you to get 'ready' (ie . . . take your clothes off) and he'll be back, do the following: grab your cell phone, call your husband, breathlessly tell him that a guy is doing your massage but that it's okay cause he's gay. Repeat as necessary cause you're trying to whisper. Quickly hang up.
  14. Take your clothes off, but leave on the undies. That's just gross! Quickly get under the covers on the table. Wonder how you got into this mess.
  15. Try to relax as he begins your 'relaxing' massage and tries to carry on a conversation with you.
  16. Talk about your husband and kids. A lot. Tell why you homeschool your kids. Talk about God, your church, why your nineteen-year-old doesn't date, and whatever else you can think of. Give him your whole life story.
  17. Wonder what kind of spa hires a guy who talks about how girls' bodies have changed so much since he was in school. Cringe when he uses a vulgar word to describe a certain part of a woman's body.
  18. Wonder what he means as he tells you to turn over and 'lock 'em down'.
  19. Ask him about his life, if he's from the area, where he went to school, and all that kinda stuff. Put two and two together when you find out where he grew up.
  20. Listen to him talk about make-up, doing hair, being OCD, and how he hates to do nails. Funny thing that: he hates to do nails and I'm chicken to have mine done. Go figure.
  21. Try not to faint when he talks about his 8-year-old son and step daughter. Feel really confused. Wonder if he's confused.
  22. Feel guilty that your husband and kids used their money to buy you something they knew you'd like, but then you didn't really enjoy as much as you hoped to.
  23. Get dressed as fast as you can, pay the cashier, and high-tail it out of there.
  24. Wonder if you should have the guts to ask for a woman.
  25. Laugh about it with your friends.
  26. Blog about it.

Well, that's that. Not so funny as shopping at Victoria's Secret, but, my goodness! I never would have thought that a guy would be the one who would be giving massages at a small town spa salon. And what could I say? Nothing, considering that my husband and I had a couple's massage at Stone Mountain last year and he had a woman doing his. We were in the same room together, so it isn't as if he was alone in a room with another woman while mostly nude, though covered up.

You know, sometimes things in life are not always so cut and dried, black and white, or clearly right or wrong. So often there are many questionable circumstances and situations that come our way. It's hard to know if the choices we make or will make are the right ones. But I am so glad that God does not leave us to figure that out for ourselves.

  • Proverbs 3:6 says In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
  • Matthew 6:33, a favorite of mine, says seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
  • Matthew 7:7 encourages us to ASK: Ask; seek; and knock.
  • Psalm 32:8 promises that I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.
  • Psalm 73:24 tells of the psalmists who knew the truth that the lord shalt guide me with thy counsel.
  • John 16:13 talks about the Spirit of turth and how He will will guide you into all truth.

On the other hand, many times we get caught in situations that we know are not right. I know now . . . and knew then . . . that I should have left the spa that day. I have nothing against massages, obviously, but the situation I was in really wasn't appropriate. I would have enjoyed it more if a woman had provided the service, but fear of offending this man kepting me from doing what was right. The Spirit that day was really prodding me out the door, but, as happens way too often, I quenched Him. I wasn't alone there that day. The Holy Spirit was with me, trying to guide me in the right direction. I say 'trying' because I wasn't paying much attention. I was too uptight about the whole thing.

So the next time you are caught in a situation you don't know how to handle, or if you find yourself looking for an answer to a seemingly unanswerable question, really be still a bit and listen for the still small voice, pay attention to the Spirit of God that lives in you and guides you, and make sure you apply the ASK principle: ask, seek, and knock on God's door. I guarantee He'll answer or I'll give you your money back. ;-) HA!

Until next time!



Coffee Bean said...

The one massage I had was given by a woman and I about died I was so uncomfortable. She did not talk though and the room had a little fountain going, candles and classical music. I did end up relaxing until I drooled onto the floor... I don't know if she noticed or not but I was on guard again after that.

I cannot even imagine a guy giving me a massage... gay or not. I would have done the same thing you did though. Including the frantic, whispered phone call to my husband.

Deborah said...

hehehe...I'm so glad you're back to posting. I've missed laughing while I read blogs! There are some that make me cry...and that's good too, and of course most make me think, which is probably a good thing! But you always make me smile...or laugh...and think!

goldengirls59 said...

Funny story! Next time request a woman!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

Wonder what he means as he tells you to turn over and 'lock 'em down'.

Martha said today we should get massages now I am terrified... pedicure and nails... look out I am so there every two weeks... to get nails done and every so many months to get feet done... ahhhhhhhhh

gail said...

i'm sorry that you had such an awful experience. i have had many massages, and 2 of the women masseuesses were absolute gems. i too get knots in my shoulders that are like boulders.

a word of advice to anyone wanting a massage: ask around for a referral! and if you get a gift cert. when calling to set up the appt ask for info on who will be giving the massage and if you have a choice in who does it.