A terrifying discovery!

Help!  I'm in a midlife crisis and I can't find my way out!

Eccl. 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

I am beginnng to realize that middle age, that time in life when you're not really old but you're not really young either, is just a rerun of that horrid time in life known as adolescence, all while dealing with any adolescents that live at your house.  It's a double-whammy, triple-dog-dare-you trick life plays on you.

At least after adolescence the first time around, you came away with a perky body parts, beautiful hair, and smooth facial skin.  When you reach your 40's, you're figuring out how to survive the changes of life while dealing with forgetfulness, wrinkles, white hair, muffin tops, and drooping, sagging body parts.  You've lived and experienced life, but now you're practically being forced to reinvent yourself because life as you knew is not the same . . . and you're trying to figure exactly who you are, who you thought you were, or who you should have been in the first place.  It's a time full of questioning, fears, and doubts.

• Who am I?  Where have I been?  Where was I going?
• Where did I put my medicine bottle?  glasses?  remote?  keys?  car?  children?
• What was I going to do next? 
• Which doctor am I seeing next week?
• Uhhhh . . . why did I come into this room?
• OMGosh!  I've turned into my mother!  (Love you, Mom!)
• Life is passing me by and I'm on some old slow horse that can't keep up.
• I am the old nag that can't keep up.
• I doubt these bottoms are going to fit over my bottom!
• I swear I wore I size 12 last week!
• I doubt I can stay awake through this entire two-hour movie. 

Truthfully, I'm just an old(er) version of a teenager.  My poor husband.  He's having to deal with a 40-something adolescent and a 'real' adolscent. She's angry all the time; I'm crying; and he's wishing he could take a vacation to Mars.  Living in a lion's den would be safer than living at home some days.

Seriously though.  I'm forever fussing at my youngest daughter because she sometimes won't try new things if there are people participating that might perform better than she can.  It pains me so to see her struggle with self-doubt and self-acceptance.  I'm always telling her that she doesn't know what she can do until she tries; that even if she doesn't 'win', her life will be richer for trying; and she might be sorry one day if she doesn't give it a shot and with all she's got.  Those words of encouragement finally paid off on a recent Saturday.

We had a dairy show a few weeks ago, our second of this season.  It was a big state show and I know she came into it with so many doubts since our first show (a much smaller one) didn't turn out as well as she would've liked.  She seriously thought she'd picked out the worst calf in the bunch to work with this year.  But I knew that day when we first saw her that she'd be a great one, and I think Baby Girl did too.  But then she had begun to doubt her ability to know a good calve/heifer from a not-so-great one.  She'd been doing this going on two years.  Why was she doubting now?  On the day of the weight class competition, I told her she had a great heifer and that she had made the right choice.  And I prayed like crazy . . . not just that she would win, but that God would bless her with wonderfully good things that day.  Amazingly, she won first place that day in her class and went on to compete for division champ.  It was her first blue ribbon in showing dairy heifers and what an encouragement that was to her!  It is something she will never forget and it would've been something she would've missed had she given up.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of what God gave her that day.

But then, there is me.   I've had kids at home with me for twenty-two years and have been married for almost 25 years!  But now . . . now, things are changing. When I was younger, way before I met Mister, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life.  And I went after it with gusto!  I got married, had a houseful of youngin's, and quit work to take care of my home and my family. Three are on their own, Little Mama graduates this year, and Baby Girl in just over a year.  Where does that leave me?  The answer to that would be the blank, confused look you see on my face.  You know the one; it's what you get when you ask your kids why they didn't clean the kitchen after supper last night, why they didn't do their homework, or when the dog was last fed.  Nobody, but nobody, told me that the years would pass by like a whirlwind and that I would doubt my ability to do . . . anything . . . my value as a someone other than 'mama'!  Nobody ever told me that I'd question who I am now that my role in life is changing.  I'm.  Not.  Ready.  Where is the 'pause' button?  And, NO(!), I'm not talking about menopause.   But if I believed that God could and would bless my child and help her through that difficult show, then why can't I believe that He'll bless me, too, and help me through this difficult change in life?  If I believed Him enough to trust Him to help me raise all these chldren, why am I full of doubts during this most difficult change in life?

Why is it that I can encourage my children in their life pursuits, pray for their success, and believe that their dad and I have done a pretty decent job at raising them . . . and yet, when it comes to me and my dreams and hopes for myself, I am so afraid to even try?  Why do I feel 'not good enough'?  Forget dying from old age or anything like that.  Fear is killing my life!  And while I say this almost jokingly, there is more than a tinge of truth to it.

Learning to navigate this midlife crisis is a frightening sometimes overwhelming journey and it seems like I'm only in the beginning stages.  I still don't know where I'll be going from here, what my purpose is, or who I'll be when it's all over.  Truthfully, I'd rather deal with a sullen, discouraged, frustrated teenager than with . . . well, my middle-aged, cranky, frustrated, unsure self.  But just as I survived my own adolescent years, and the ones I survived with my five children,  I'll make it through this season in life as well all the better for the wear and tear on this aging body.  And when I come out on the other side, there'll not be a 'new' me, just an improved continuation of the woman God wants me to be.

Now where did I leave my . . . ?

Love,

Julia

A Letter to Young People Everywhere

Dear Young People Everywhere,

Today I am writing on behalf on parents everywhere who, I believe, want young people to know a little about this process of being 'grown up' and 'on your own'. Believe it or not, your parents know that it is difficult being a teenager and a young adult. Would it surprise you to know that it is just as difficult for the parents of you young people? We have raised you for 18, 19, 20+ years . . . and  suddenly, you're on your own, making your own decisions, and you don't really need us that much anymore.

It may surprise you to know that moms and dads were once in the same place that you are in now.  But you should know that mom will ALWAYS be mom and, by nature, is loving and territorial when it comes to her children. Just because you don't live at home any more doesn't mean that you stop being her children . . . nor does it mean that she just let you go. . .completely. She doesn't have these stretch marks on her body and scars on her heart for nothing. She's invested too much of herself to ever stop caring. And while that doesn't give her the right to dictate your life, your mom will always be a part of your life and is, very likely, the reason that you are the wonderful person that you are today.

Your lives are changing, but so are hers. Yours because you want it to, and hers because it's just the way life is. She's never been at this point in life before, allowing each and every child go out into the world to live the life God has planned for them. Watching each of you make mistakes.  Sitting back while y'all discover a whole new world.  She just wants you to remember this when you get really frustrated with her and think she's butting in.  For your mother, this change is  like going 60 mph to 0 mph in about 2 seconds, trying avoid hitting the car in front of you.  The heart pounds, the hands shake, and the mind is forever thinking "what if".

You have never truly loved a human being until you have loved your own child, whether he or she grew within your womb for nine months or if they were specially chosen by to be your very own child. So, naturally, there will be pains of separation. Just as you would cry when you were separated from mom, even for just a few hours, your mom will cry and often mourn for the days that will never be again.

Thankfully your mom has a weapon for those times when she can't be there, can't fix a situation, or doesn't really understand what's going on in your life.  Or maybe mama sees you making some pretty questionnable choices.  If things starting happening in your life that YOU don't understand, maybe your mama has been praying for you.  Cause, you know, if mama can't be there, you can bet God will always be because of your mama.

Love,

All Moms Everywhere

The Walk Out Woman

I was nearly a walk out woman, until I read this book. Okay, well, truthfully I didn't have the guts to walk out, but I really wanted to. And I had been that way for a long, long time. It was on my mind all day, every day of my life for years.

What held me back? Namely the fact that I knew it would not be pleasing to God. Then there were the five children my husband and I shared together; our families; our friends; our church. It was impossible to ever think about facing these people again if I did walk out. Of course, the fact that I didn't have any money or a place to go weighed heavily on my decision to stay put.

Regardless of the reasons listed above, walking out on my husband and the life I didn't like anymore still crossed my mind . . . and lived there . . . daily. It came down to the fact that I really needed to change my thinking. I really needed soome counselling but could not afford it.

This book had been sitting on my shelf for two or three years. I had picked it up at one time and had begun to read it. There were even little sticky notes and highlights throughout. But I didn't get far at that time. I just wasn't ready to hear what the authors, Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, had to say. But just a few weeks ago, I literally felt at the end of my patience. I had written three notes to my husband about how I was feeling, but I don't think he knew exactly how to deal with the intensity of my frustration, anger, bitterness, and saddness. If anything was to be done, it was up to me.

While packing a bag of reading material for a weekend trip with our daughter for 4-H, I grabbed this book hoping to get some relief from the ugliness in my soul regarding my marriage. Not really ready to read cover-to-cover, I flipped through the pages until I came across a chapter I thought might help the most. It's titled "This Lady Has the Blues" and it absolutely described this lady for sure!

I have been hooked on the book since then and am reading about a chapter a day. Just the fact that **somebody** understood how I felt seemed to lift the heavy burden I felt I had been carrying around. It was also helpful to read the stories throughout that chapter and others of women who are going through the same problems as I am.

One of the things I love most about this book is the fact that it is interactive. Most chapters include a list of symptoms, suggestions of things to try, and/or questions concerning you and your particular situation. These are the blue boxes throughout the chapters. All of this extra information helps you to identify what's really going on, as well as helping you to be truly honest with yourself about some things. So often what we "feel" is so one-sided. Are **all** problems in your marriage your husband's fault? This is one misconception that is addressed in this book.

At the end of each chapter is a section called "Something to Try". It is a list of several suggestions to try to reinforce what has been taught and discussed in that section. You can choose just one from the list. Most of these suggestions are very simple but eye-opening.

Some of the topics addressed to the "walk out woman" include:

- discovering if you really are a walk out women

- clueless husbands (boy, did **I** need this!)

- discontentment

- focusing on the positive instead of the negative

- anger (when I wasn't depressed, I was angry!)

- building walls (the authors must've been spying!)

- talking and reconnecting

- caring for yourself (a source of guilt for me!)

- devastation of divorce

- affairs and how to avoid them

- happiness

- and much more!

Several chapters seemed to be written about me! I wondered if the authors had been hanging around my house. I especially was distraught to read about myself in the chapter on building walls. We women seem so predictable.

Overall, this was just an eye-opening book for me. It helped clarify the fact that all marriages have issues and even if a walk out woman did get a new husband, there wouldn't be any guarantee that she'd be any happier. It was helpful to read about how Dr. Stephens would counsel a walk out woman; how to talk to my husband; how to tear down walls; and the fact that it's okay to do things for **me**. I have spent so many years caring for others and I often feel guilty for doing something for myself.

I am very thankful to have been able to address my issues with depression. I feel that my husband hears me better when I write out my frustrations and hurts and was glad to learn that this is an acceptable way to communicate with your man. Since I've done that, my Mister Wonderful has really been trying to be more attentive to my needs . . . and I am feeling much better.

While "The Walk Out Woman" addresses a negative topic and speaks to serious issues in marriage, it is also uplifting as the authors offer much helpful advice on getting through this time in life.

There are several references to scripture throughout, but it is not overbearing in its use. The authors also refer to many of sources in regards to writings on marriage counselling.

I really never have **wanted** to be a walk out woman, but it seemed the only way of escape for me. After reading this very insightful book, I feel that I am equipped to better handle the issues in my marriage. I hope that if you read it, you will come away refreshed and ready to fight for yours.

http://www.amazon.com/Walk-Out-Woman-Heart-Empty-Dreams/dp/1590522672

Me and Mister

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Talk soon!

Julia

Saturday

That is all.  Just some Saturday love.  <3

Have a wonderful weekend!

Julia

He is Able . . . Part Two

The year was 1990. It was late spring. I was 22, had been married to a wonderful man for four years, and was the mother of a beautiful little girl. For the most part, I was a very happy young woman. But if anyone could've seen inside me, confusion and torment is what they would've witnessed.  Let's back up a bit.

Even though I loved the man would would be my husband very much, before we actually married, there was a tremendous amount of contention between my dad and me. The problem was that he (my intended) was a member of the Baptist church. I don't know why exactly, but my dad has this "thing" about Baptists. Truthfully, I didn't really know what anyone outside of the Christian church believed, except maybe Roman Catholics, but I'm pretty sure that the Baptists' beliefs being considerably different from ours was one reason my dad wasn't so happy about me marrying Mister. But I did it anyway.

The Bible teaches that "two become one", but when one or the other (or both) of the "two" doesn't break that tie entirely with the parents, it causes all sorts of issues. I had not made that break from my parents and still worried very much what they would think of the decisions my new husband and I would make.  One of my promblems was whether or not to join my husband's church. I knew that would make things even worse with Dad, so I just never did anything about it. Though my husband really wanted me to, I just could not bring myself to it. I just couldn't risk further issues between my dad and me.

Truthfully, attending a Baptist church was a totally strange experience for me. They sure did things differently than the Christian church. Despite that, I still became invovled in several ministries: AWANA, VBS, teaching sunday school, helping in the nursery, and singing in the choir. I loved every minute of it, settling into the church very easily, and was considered a model Christian.  And I was, I suppose, but only outwardly.  Inwardly there was much fear, guilt, and shame over my sins, though I confessed to have been saved.  Truthfully, I really wasn't a Christian, but I didn't understand that then.

I remember one particular afternoon during that time. Standing at the sink washing dishes, I suddenly dropped to my knees and begged God to help me through whatever it was that was going on inside of me. It is very painful to remember that time, probably it is because I hadn't a clue why I was feeling like I did then, but I can clearly see it all now. Not too much later, God made it clear to me that I was lost. I wasn't really saved. I wasn't a Christian. He didn't know me.  There had been a baptism when I was about nine, but that's all. No repentence, sorrow, or faith in what Christ had done for me on the cross. Long story short, it took weeks of me fighting with myself and worrying about what Daddy would say for me to finally accept what the Holy Spirit was telling me. Eventually it became too much to bear and I quietly called out to God to save me one Sunday morning during the invitation.  Though I could not find the strength to make it to the altar, inwardly I had finally accepted that there was nothing I could do to receive His forgiveness for my sins except believe on His son just like John 3:16 talks about. That was the day I finally started living! No more fear of dying! Peace in my heart, through and through.

When I called out to God that morning, one of the things I prayed for was for Him to do whatever He wanted to with my life. Talk about doing exceding abundant above what we ask Him for!  I couldn't ever have worked out things out on my own like He has done.  About six weeks or so after that day, just a few days before I was to be baptized, we found out that our family was growing again! No doctors. No pills. No keeping up with the temperature every morning.

It did not slip my attention that I had become pregnant not long after my salvation . . . and my prayer to God to take my life and use it in any way He thought fit.  Because I believed that this was one way God was honoring my desire, I have always testified and witnessed about this when talking to others about our family.

Anyway, as some of you may know, that surprise pregnancy ended up being a twins.  I can't even begin to tell you the feeling of knowing two babies are growing within the womb. I truly felt doubly blessed by God. I felt so special. And not only had we been blessed with our first child and then the twins, within four years of that time in my life, I had given birth to a total of five children.

So, how does a couple go from being a two-income family supporting two people to being a one-income family supporting seven people? Only by the grace and provision of God. Over the years, my husband had opportunity to move up in his job, which, of course, meant a pay raise each time. Though there were many tight times, I can truly say we've never been without food, clothing, good medical insurance and care, or a roof over our heads. Not only that, we've been able to see a lot of our 'wants' met as well.

Though God has always provided for us, what I've always prayed about the most is for God to use each of my children and for them to live lives that glorify Him. Each of our children has made a profession of faith in Christ and I thank God for this. Beyond each child's salvation, I've also prayed that I would be a godly example and influence on them to be obedient for whatever God called them to do. I believe God has answered that pray as well.

The oldest of our children is attending Bible college and feels called to missions; she loves God with her whole heart and wants nothing more than to always be in His will. Each of the boys works in public safety, one as a fireman and the other in law enforcement, a dream they have each had from they time they were very young. I tell them often that by the Lord answering their prayers and dreams, they're in a unique position to minister to others who are need or are facing a crisis in life, either directly or through prayer . . . or maybe both. As for the two youngest children, that's still to be seen. It's exciting to watch God mold them and lead them down the path He has set before them. Whatever each of them becomes or does with his or her life, I see them being active, influential members of society with much potential to reach many for the Lord and with the gospel. Would that not truly be a prayer that was met exceding abundant above all that I asked!

So as to not make us seem more than what we are, I'll be the first to tell you that we are not a 'perfect' family by any stretch of the imagination.  I am thankful, though, for how God has worked in our lives in spite of that. With each trial that we go through and each mistake that we make, I know that He is working to perfect us.

When I was a girl, I had but one dream: to be a wife and mother. That dream has been answered way beyong my expectations and now I am entering a new phase in life: the children are reaching adulthood. College, serious relationships, living on their own, and adult responsibilites are issues in the family now.  Within a few years, all five of the children will have finished high school and will be pursuing their dreams, if they have not already begun the process.  I have a few new dreams of my own that I will be working toward. How it will all turn out is a mystery to me: where will our daughter serve God in missions and where will the boys' careers lead them? who will the children marry? when will I get to be a grandmother? what will happen to me once I'm an empty-nester?  So much to consider!

When it comes right down to it, though, no matter what happens, past experience has taught me that He is able. But most of all, He will answer my prayers exceding abundant above all that I ask.

Love,

Julia