Can you hear that still small voice?

1 Kings 19:10 . . . and I, even I only, am left . . .

 

Do you ever just feel alone in this world?  Surrounded by people, but, oh, so alone?  Do you ever feel lost in this great big world? Have you felt as if you’ve lost your purpose? Do you often wish to flee from situations that make your life seem overwhelming?  I’d say that all of us have experienced one, if not all, of these feelings.  As I was reading the entire chapter of 1 Kings 19 this morning, I realized that I had a lot in common with poor Elijah.  And maybe you can relate to him as well. 

Overwhelmed by circumstances and fleeing for his very life, he found himself out in the wilderness, fearful, discouraged, probably anxious, and certainly depressed and begging God to take his very life.   Maybe he just didn’t have the energy to keep on living.  Maybe it felt too difficult and he just didn’t know how. Maybe he forgot that he could trust God to handle the whole terrible situation.  However, when asked what he was doing in that place, he did give the Lord a truthful answer. As the story unfolds, we find Elijah on Mt. Horeb after a grueling forty-day and forty-night trip.  The strength for that trip was provided by God thru a ministering angel who fed him before he started on his way.  Even though Elijah was running away, God never left him alone!  He was there providing for his every need and guiding him to that place he needed to be in order to hear the voice of God. When his journey is complete, God once more questions him as to what he is doing in that place. And once again Elijah is absolutely honest with God.  Shortly afterwards, he experiences terrible winds, an earthquake, and a fire, and though God is in none of those things, Elijah finally finds Him in a still small voice and receives instructions and purpose from God.

In Matthew Henry’s Commentary of the Bible, he says of this passage: Despair of success hinders many a good enterprise. Did Elijah come hither to meet with God? He shall find that God will meet him. The wind, and earthquake, and fire, did not make him cover his face, but the still voice did. Gracious souls are more affected by the tender mercies of the Lord, than by his terrors. The mild voice of Him who speaks from the cross, or the mercy-seat, is accompanied with peculiar power in taking possession of the heart.” 

How true!  God could have really let Elijah have it for not trusting Him and for failing to run to Him instead of just running away!  But He didn’t.  He used a calm and quiet voice to get his attention. When my own children were little, I had better success in discipline when I would use a quiet, gentle voice as opposed to an angry, thundering one!  I could always tell when I reached their hearts because the tears would fall down those little cheeks.

As I was thinking on how God finally calmed Elijah and was able to work in his situation, it occurred to me that when we are in a room full of noisy, talking folks, doesn’t a quiet voice make us stop and take notice? Don’t we lean in a little closer in order to hear what is being said? We can’t hear the words being spoken if we do not block out all of the noise around us.  The same is true when we are listening for the voice of God.  Do we not have to quiet the fears and anxiety in order to hear His quiet voice? The realization for me is that in order to hear God’s voice, I cannot focus on the trials and temptations that may surround me.   God is not in those things, but instead works THRU those things. 

He is peace when I am still.

Even though this is ONE chapter from one book in God’s word, it spoke so many things to my heart today:

• God really does not leave us nor forsake us, no matter where we are
• God wants us to be honest with Him about our problems
• God doesn’t want us to run away from life’s trials but to trust Him
• God will speak to us but we must be obedient and willing to be in a place that we can hear Him
• God will send what we need if we will just stop and listen to Him
• God pursues us and provides for us

Love in Christ to you all!

Julia
04/13/2015

Prayer and Peace

Y'all, sometimes I just don't know how much this mama's heart can take.  I have watched two of my children lose their jobs since December.  They have called me on the phone numerous times from hundreds of miles away, crying, leaving me feeling so helpless to help.  One had to have surgery.  And just this week, two of my girls suffered some hefty disappointments concerning the direction of their lives and it just pains me to see them hurting and, seemingly, not succeeding in their pursuits.  Thankfully, we know and have learned that His grace is sufficient in these times.  And, as a family who strives to trust and serve God, we know and firmly believe that "...ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."  I find it difficult though, if I am to be totally honest, to give thanks in every thing during these times as He has commanded us to do.  How can I give thanks when I see them suffering so much heartache?  It is so hard to be patient while the Lord works His perfect will in their lives.  Their burdens become mine.  I hurt when they hurt.  And it is overwhelming at times and I am left to feel helpless to do anything.  Anything but pray, anyway.  I believe that it is the most precious gift we can gift our children, aside from leading them to Christ for salvation.  It is the means by which we show our faith and trust in the God of all hope.  It is the way that we invite our loving, caring God to do His work in their lives.  I remember one particular time of trials a few years, when we prayed and prayed, and watched as God provided and answered those prayers.  It was such a relief and I thought, "Finally, some relief!"  But then a few days later, there were new trials and I just remember walking down the sidewalk, talking with Mister and thinking, “We cannot seem to catch a break!  Will there ever be a time when we're not praying and seeking God's face?  Will there ever be a time when we're not facing some struggle or another?”  And now I know that the answer is 'no'.  Why?  Well, Job said it best when he said, "Man that is born of a woman is of few days and full of trouble."  It’s just the way it is.

Truth be told, sometimes I just wish everybody could just get settled and I could rest a while.  I’m so tired.  Yes, they are adults now, living their own lives. But that doesn’t mean I have stopped being their mama.   I'm pretty sure that with five children, I'll spend the rest of my life on my knees praying for God's hand on their lives.  And that’s okay.  It’s something I’ve come to realize is woven into the tapestry of my life.  It is one of the single most important tasks I am faced with on a regular basis.  Honestly, prayer keeps me centered, keeps me sane, and keeps me from completely giving up.  Why?  Well, it’s like this.  I am a list-maker because it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed and it helps me accomplish many tasks in a timely manner.  It may seem a strange analogy, but when I have a lot of things on my mind, it really helps to write all of those things on a piece of paper.  And I do mean literally write them down.  I don’t do note-taking on my tablet or other electronic device.  It has to be written in ink on a piece of paper.  It’s how I de-clutter my mind, and thus de-stress.  It’s like I can just let go of it all if it’s written down, and by letting go, I’m prepared to do what needs to be done because it’s no longer a distraction.  I don’t have to keep thinking about it.  Somehow, by writing it down, order seems to come into my thoughts and actions.  Prayer is much the same.  God says that we are to be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  Essentially He is telling us not to be full of care, not to be distracted, and not to take thought for even one tiny little thing.  He also instructs us in “casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”  He’s pretty much telling us to deliberately throw all of our anxious concerns and all of life’s distractions on Him because we matter to Him.  Anything that causes us care or concern, He wants to take that from us at our offering and in exchange give us quietness and rest of the heart and mind.  In actuality, He wants to set the heart and mind at one again.  Think about what goes on in your mind and the anxiousness of your heart when faced with burdens and trials!  Such turmoil!  It’s like a war inside.  And, as we talked about last time, so much noise!  God wants to quiet that noise, be at the forefront of your battles, guarding and protecting you, and bring calmness into your life.  That’s like list-making to clear the mind.  When we pray, we are clearing the heart and mind of all the burdens that weigh us down.

Through all of our trials in the past few years, I have learned to pray like never before.  Having little ones around was nothing compared to having adult children, I can assure you!  Dirty diapers, clutter, and the constant hovering over them as they got into everything under the sun was nothing as I have witnessed them become independent from their daddy and me.  It is during these times, though, that I have learned to trust more, let go more fully, and watch God work in their lives.  I have to say that I have seen God do some amazing things during these difficult days when so much effort was put into praying for them.  So much so that one of the kids that lost his job now has a job in a great department and has been shown great favor by those he works under.  He is married now and is buying a house for his new bride.  A house and FIVE acres!  All of this has happened within about five month’s time and it’s amazing to look back at those days back in December when it seemed like his world was crashing down around him.  This brings me to fully realize what David so passionately declared, and that is yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.  The Lord has also provided for every need, every bill, and every bed to lay a head on.  And, sometimes, a little extra thrown in.  As my grandma used to say, they were never broke, just badly bent!  God did not, has not, nor will He ever retreat from them, leave them behind, nor give up on them.  He is not in the habit of giving over control of the lives of the righteous over to anybody or anything.  He won’t ever loosen His grasp on them even one tiny bit, fail them, nor leave them destitute.  

There are still many needs facing our children and I am certain that as they continue to mature into responsible adults and, more importantly, spiritually mature Christians, the trials and tribulations they face will continue and may become, well, more severe.  But that’s something to address another day because we are told to take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.  Regardless of what tomorrow may bring, I know that I can trust the lives of my children to His care and that is why I pray for them. 

Love in Christ, 

Julia

 

Turning Off the Noise

On a recent evening, I got tired of the noise from the television and clicked the red button on the remote to turn it off, mostly because I wanted to read a magazine and could not focus.  When I did, I made a startling discovery.  There was a bird singing a beautiful song in the woods at the end of our street.  I had not heard it with the TV on.  It was a sweet sound indeed and brought me back in time to summer evenings spent outside playing as a child.  I lay there lost in my childhood for a few minutes, and then I began to wonder what the bird has singing about.  As time passed and I sat in the quiet of my room, the bird’s song gave way to the sound of peepers and the critters that only come out at night.  It was then that I realized I would have missed that bird’s song if I hadn’t turned off the television.  I sadly realized that I don’t often take the time to sit in the quiet and listen to those sweet sounds.

Noise.  It’s something we live with every day of our lives, from the people around us to the radio to the television.  A phone ringing, the toilet flushing and the dishwasher running, even the buzz of an electric toothbrush!  The hush of a pen as it brushes across a piece of paper is a sound I love to hear.   There are important noises in our lives, though, not just the irritating ones.  The cry of a distressed child allows us to know they need comforting.  Hearing someone we care about tell us how much they love and miss us when they are far away.  And, of course, hearing the word of God preached brings the sinner to repentance and strengthens the believer.  But we have grown so accustomed to the noise around us that we tune most of it out and do not realize that we have little times of quiet in life.  We live with lots of noise and little quiet.  It’s as if the noise absorbs us and we become a part of it.  Sometimes it is as if a great swirling ocean of waves surrounds us, sucks us in, and just becomes “how it is”.  Other times, life is a constant crashing of waves on the shore that becomes a part of life,  making us soon we forget that there ever was anything such as quiet, causing us to miss too many beautifully peaceful moments in life.

Sometimes, though, it isn’t just the constant sounds around us that keep us from enjoying peace and quiet.  Our minds become a cacophony of things to do, problems and situations well beyond our control that we are trying to solve, and the overwhelming realization that we are just TIRED and, sadly, there is no end in sight.  No rest.  No peace.  Nothing but a busy, noisy, life.  Things of life just swirl round and round, like a whirlpool, constant motion and roaring, always pulling us downward, drowning us.  And if we scream for help, no one is there to help us because they are caught up in their own noisy whirlpool.  How many of us go to bed every night and cannot sleep because our brains, like the whirlpool, “just won’t stop”?  The noises of the mind are worse than any outward noises we deal with every day.  Most of those we can walk away from, turn off, or unplug.  Too bad we can’t do that with the noises in our minds!  Or can't we? 

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

If you read this entire Psalm, it begins with the Psalmist telling of his trust in God, even if he were surrounded on all sides by turmoil, the world crashing down around him.  He declares that God is a refuge, strength, and help in trouble.  Twice he proclaims that “the LORD of hosts is with us”.  And in conclusion is a commanded to come to a state where we let go and realize just who is in control.  God commands us to cease from our worry, let go of fear, admit our weakness and dependence on Him, and to acknowledge that He is in control of everything.  We have the choice of being consumed by the noise of our thoughts and lives or living in complete and total trust of God. 

This verse does not mean that we stop and just sit.  It's an invitation to enjoy the calmness and quiet that accompanies a familiar, trusting relationship with God.  Notice the order the command:  be still and know.  We can't know what He is capable of until we let go and allow Him to work.  If we were to know before we let go, what kind of faith is that?  It isn't.  Some people call it blind faith.  I don't know about all that, but I do know that it's when we are blind that He allows us to see.  Those who think they must see to be able to know are truly the blinded ones.  When we can admit that we know little or nothing is the time that we are best able to learn.  And when we can admit that we don't have the slightest clue about how to fix all of the problems in our lives, that is when we come to know that we can truly trust God.  In other words, being still leads to knowing we can trust Him.  Without all of the fear and worry making all sorts of noise in life, we are able to focus on Him.  We are able to recognize that He is there because the distractions are gone.  Just as I could not hear the bird singing until I turned off the television, we cannot notice God at work until we quiet our minds.

So I want to challenge you for the next time you are tempted to let the noise of life take over.  Remember that life and the mind do not have to be whirlpools of constant thought, filled with the noise of fear and worry and dread.  You have the power switch to turn off all of that noise and enjoy, like I was able to, peace, quiet, and a beautiful song.  It's just a matter of being willing to be still and know.

Love in Christ,

Julia

God's Book

I love, love, love antique books, especially books of a religious nature.  Over the years, I have collected numerous volumes and often use quotes from those books here and on my Facebook page.  There is much wisdom to found of that generation of authors and Christians.  Don't get me wrong.  There are several Christian women authors of today that I enjoy reading, but there is just something about the lives and writings of late 19th and early 20th century authors.  I especially enjoy reading Margaret Sangster, not to be confused with Margaret Sanger.  There could be no two people who were as different as these women were. 

Anyway, I didn't grow up reading a lot.  In fact, I think I must've been a fairly poor reader in school, even through my high school years as I was put in special classes during English to help improve my reading skills.  But after graduation, I began reading a lot for pleasure, not just because I was being forced to.  Over the years, I've become an avid reader and my skills have improved.  I still don't like having to read directions or learn some new skill from a book, but I do enjoy reading to increase my knowledge about things.  I have bookcases full of books on crafts, sewing, history, autobiographies, biographies, missionaries, religious themes, cooking, baking, poetry . . . and on and on it goes!  Books have become a big part of my life.  I love to go to the book store and just browse and pull titles off the shelves to flip through.  There is so much to learn about!  There are so many stories to read and be touched by!  And it's kinda fun looking at pictures, too.  I especially like the picture/coffee table books about other counties!  Amazing photographs of places I would love to visit.

My very favorite book is a novel by Christian author Francine Rivers.  It is called Reddeming Love and is a love story based on the book of Hosea from the Bible.  I have read it numerous times and I always come away rejoicing in the fact that, like Hosea (in the Bible) and Michael (the main character of Rivers' novel), God's love is a redeeming love for those who did not love Him first.

This morning it was quiet around my house as everyone had gone off to . . . somewhere!  When it's quiet like that, it gives me time to just think about things and one of the things that was running through my mind today was that God has a book that one day will be read to us.  It's the Lamb's Book of Life.  In this book is written the name of everyone that Has ever been born into His family.  One of these days, this book will be opened and He will read from it.  Those whose names are not there will be cast out of God's presence and into the lake of fire.  I believe that many will be shocked and saddened that their name will not be found there. 

There is a congregational song that we sing at church and it never fails to bless my soul.  It is called I know My Name is There.  The second stanza says:

My name once stood with sinners lost,

And bore a painful record;

But by His blood the Savior crossed,

And placed it on His roll.

Oh how I rejoice and praise God that my name is on that roll!  My name is written in that Lamb's Book of Life!  God has my name written down in Heaven in a book!  That means He knows my name and one day He'll call me out of that book!  On days when I'm down and discouraged, all I need do is reflect on that simple fact . . . I know my name is there!  He wrote it down the moment I received His dear Son as my Redeemer.

There are many, too many, people in this world who cannot say that there name is there.  Or they will tell you that no one can know for sure.  I don't know which saddens me the most . . . those who are not written there or those whose names are there but do not have that assurance in their hearts because they think that keeping their salvation is all dependent on their works.  Those works do not matter when it comes to finding your name in the Book.  Christ told some of His followers in Matthew 7:22-23 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.   Anyone can do works in the name of Christ, but not everyone has their name written down in His book . . . and that is all that truly counts.

Reader, God wants to write your name in that Book.  He wants to read your name out of that Book one day in the very near future.  Do you know that your name will be read aloud on that day?  That's food for thought in your quiet times.

Love,

Julia

An Ode to Dick and Jane

See Julia.

See Julia coughing.

See Julia coughing in her bed.

Julia is mad.

Julia is mad at her cough.

Julia is mad at her cough for keeping her in bed.

The end.

(Thank you Dick and Jane)

A terrifying discovery!

Help!  I'm in a midlife crisis and I can't find my way out!

Eccl. 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

I am beginnng to realize that middle age, that time in life when you're not really old but you're not really young either, is just a rerun of that horrid time in life known as adolescence, all while dealing with any adolescents that live at your house.  It's a double-whammy, triple-dog-dare-you trick life plays on you.

At least after adolescence the first time around, you came away with a perky body parts, beautiful hair, and smooth facial skin.  When you reach your 40's, you're figuring out how to survive the changes of life while dealing with forgetfulness, wrinkles, white hair, muffin tops, and drooping, sagging body parts.  You've lived and experienced life, but now you're practically being forced to reinvent yourself because life as you knew is not the same . . . and you're trying to figure exactly who you are, who you thought you were, or who you should have been in the first place.  It's a time full of questioning, fears, and doubts.

• Who am I?  Where have I been?  Where was I going?
• Where did I put my medicine bottle?  glasses?  remote?  keys?  car?  children?
• What was I going to do next? 
• Which doctor am I seeing next week?
• Uhhhh . . . why did I come into this room?
• OMGosh!  I've turned into my mother!  (Love you, Mom!)
• Life is passing me by and I'm on some old slow horse that can't keep up.
• I am the old nag that can't keep up.
• I doubt these bottoms are going to fit over my bottom!
• I swear I wore I size 12 last week!
• I doubt I can stay awake through this entire two-hour movie. 

Truthfully, I'm just an old(er) version of a teenager.  My poor husband.  He's having to deal with a 40-something adolescent and a 'real' adolscent. She's angry all the time; I'm crying; and he's wishing he could take a vacation to Mars.  Living in a lion's den would be safer than living at home some days.

Seriously though.  I'm forever fussing at my youngest daughter because she sometimes won't try new things if there are people participating that might perform better than she can.  It pains me so to see her struggle with self-doubt and self-acceptance.  I'm always telling her that she doesn't know what she can do until she tries; that even if she doesn't 'win', her life will be richer for trying; and she might be sorry one day if she doesn't give it a shot and with all she's got.  Those words of encouragement finally paid off on a recent Saturday.

We had a dairy show a few weeks ago, our second of this season.  It was a big state show and I know she came into it with so many doubts since our first show (a much smaller one) didn't turn out as well as she would've liked.  She seriously thought she'd picked out the worst calf in the bunch to work with this year.  But I knew that day when we first saw her that she'd be a great one, and I think Baby Girl did too.  But then she had begun to doubt her ability to know a good calve/heifer from a not-so-great one.  She'd been doing this going on two years.  Why was she doubting now?  On the day of the weight class competition, I told her she had a great heifer and that she had made the right choice.  And I prayed like crazy . . . not just that she would win, but that God would bless her with wonderfully good things that day.  Amazingly, she won first place that day in her class and went on to compete for division champ.  It was her first blue ribbon in showing dairy heifers and what an encouragement that was to her!  It is something she will never forget and it would've been something she would've missed had she given up.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of what God gave her that day.

But then, there is me.   I've had kids at home with me for twenty-two years and have been married for almost 25 years!  But now . . . now, things are changing. When I was younger, way before I met Mister, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life.  And I went after it with gusto!  I got married, had a houseful of youngin's, and quit work to take care of my home and my family. Three are on their own, Little Mama graduates this year, and Baby Girl in just over a year.  Where does that leave me?  The answer to that would be the blank, confused look you see on my face.  You know the one; it's what you get when you ask your kids why they didn't clean the kitchen after supper last night, why they didn't do their homework, or when the dog was last fed.  Nobody, but nobody, told me that the years would pass by like a whirlwind and that I would doubt my ability to do . . . anything . . . my value as a someone other than 'mama'!  Nobody ever told me that I'd question who I am now that my role in life is changing.  I'm.  Not.  Ready.  Where is the 'pause' button?  And, NO(!), I'm not talking about menopause.   But if I believed that God could and would bless my child and help her through that difficult show, then why can't I believe that He'll bless me, too, and help me through this difficult change in life?  If I believed Him enough to trust Him to help me raise all these chldren, why am I full of doubts during this most difficult change in life?

Why is it that I can encourage my children in their life pursuits, pray for their success, and believe that their dad and I have done a pretty decent job at raising them . . . and yet, when it comes to me and my dreams and hopes for myself, I am so afraid to even try?  Why do I feel 'not good enough'?  Forget dying from old age or anything like that.  Fear is killing my life!  And while I say this almost jokingly, there is more than a tinge of truth to it.

Learning to navigate this midlife crisis is a frightening sometimes overwhelming journey and it seems like I'm only in the beginning stages.  I still don't know where I'll be going from here, what my purpose is, or who I'll be when it's all over.  Truthfully, I'd rather deal with a sullen, discouraged, frustrated teenager than with . . . well, my middle-aged, cranky, frustrated, unsure self.  But just as I survived my own adolescent years, and the ones I survived with my five children,  I'll make it through this season in life as well all the better for the wear and tear on this aging body.  And when I come out on the other side, there'll not be a 'new' me, just an improved continuation of the woman God wants me to be.

Now where did I leave my . . . ?

Love,

Julia

A Letter to Young People Everywhere

Dear Young People Everywhere,

Today I am writing on behalf on parents everywhere who, I believe, want young people to know a little about this process of being 'grown up' and 'on your own'. Believe it or not, your parents know that it is difficult being a teenager and a young adult. Would it surprise you to know that it is just as difficult for the parents of you young people? We have raised you for 18, 19, 20+ years . . . and  suddenly, you're on your own, making your own decisions, and you don't really need us that much anymore.

It may surprise you to know that moms and dads were once in the same place that you are in now.  But you should know that mom will ALWAYS be mom and, by nature, is loving and territorial when it comes to her children. Just because you don't live at home any more doesn't mean that you stop being her children . . . nor does it mean that she just let you go. . .completely. She doesn't have these stretch marks on her body and scars on her heart for nothing. She's invested too much of herself to ever stop caring. And while that doesn't give her the right to dictate your life, your mom will always be a part of your life and is, very likely, the reason that you are the wonderful person that you are today.

Your lives are changing, but so are hers. Yours because you want it to, and hers because it's just the way life is. She's never been at this point in life before, allowing each and every child go out into the world to live the life God has planned for them. Watching each of you make mistakes.  Sitting back while y'all discover a whole new world.  She just wants you to remember this when you get really frustrated with her and think she's butting in.  For your mother, this change is  like going 60 mph to 0 mph in about 2 seconds, trying avoid hitting the car in front of you.  The heart pounds, the hands shake, and the mind is forever thinking "what if".

You have never truly loved a human being until you have loved your own child, whether he or she grew within your womb for nine months or if they were specially chosen by to be your very own child. So, naturally, there will be pains of separation. Just as you would cry when you were separated from mom, even for just a few hours, your mom will cry and often mourn for the days that will never be again.

Thankfully your mom has a weapon for those times when she can't be there, can't fix a situation, or doesn't really understand what's going on in your life.  Or maybe mama sees you making some pretty questionnable choices.  If things starting happening in your life that YOU don't understand, maybe your mama has been praying for you.  Cause, you know, if mama can't be there, you can bet God will always be because of your mama.

Love,

All Moms Everywhere

The Walk Out Woman

I was nearly a walk out woman, until I read this book. Okay, well, truthfully I didn't have the guts to walk out, but I really wanted to. And I had been that way for a long, long time. It was on my mind all day, every day of my life for years.

What held me back? Namely the fact that I knew it would not be pleasing to God. Then there were the five children my husband and I shared together; our families; our friends; our church. It was impossible to ever think about facing these people again if I did walk out. Of course, the fact that I didn't have any money or a place to go weighed heavily on my decision to stay put.

Regardless of the reasons listed above, walking out on my husband and the life I didn't like anymore still crossed my mind . . . and lived there . . . daily. It came down to the fact that I really needed to change my thinking. I really needed soome counselling but could not afford it.

This book had been sitting on my shelf for two or three years. I had picked it up at one time and had begun to read it. There were even little sticky notes and highlights throughout. But I didn't get far at that time. I just wasn't ready to hear what the authors, Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, had to say. But just a few weeks ago, I literally felt at the end of my patience. I had written three notes to my husband about how I was feeling, but I don't think he knew exactly how to deal with the intensity of my frustration, anger, bitterness, and saddness. If anything was to be done, it was up to me.

While packing a bag of reading material for a weekend trip with our daughter for 4-H, I grabbed this book hoping to get some relief from the ugliness in my soul regarding my marriage. Not really ready to read cover-to-cover, I flipped through the pages until I came across a chapter I thought might help the most. It's titled "This Lady Has the Blues" and it absolutely described this lady for sure!

I have been hooked on the book since then and am reading about a chapter a day. Just the fact that **somebody** understood how I felt seemed to lift the heavy burden I felt I had been carrying around. It was also helpful to read the stories throughout that chapter and others of women who are going through the same problems as I am.

One of the things I love most about this book is the fact that it is interactive. Most chapters include a list of symptoms, suggestions of things to try, and/or questions concerning you and your particular situation. These are the blue boxes throughout the chapters. All of this extra information helps you to identify what's really going on, as well as helping you to be truly honest with yourself about some things. So often what we "feel" is so one-sided. Are **all** problems in your marriage your husband's fault? This is one misconception that is addressed in this book.

At the end of each chapter is a section called "Something to Try". It is a list of several suggestions to try to reinforce what has been taught and discussed in that section. You can choose just one from the list. Most of these suggestions are very simple but eye-opening.

Some of the topics addressed to the "walk out woman" include:

- discovering if you really are a walk out women

- clueless husbands (boy, did **I** need this!)

- discontentment

- focusing on the positive instead of the negative

- anger (when I wasn't depressed, I was angry!)

- building walls (the authors must've been spying!)

- talking and reconnecting

- caring for yourself (a source of guilt for me!)

- devastation of divorce

- affairs and how to avoid them

- happiness

- and much more!

Several chapters seemed to be written about me! I wondered if the authors had been hanging around my house. I especially was distraught to read about myself in the chapter on building walls. We women seem so predictable.

Overall, this was just an eye-opening book for me. It helped clarify the fact that all marriages have issues and even if a walk out woman did get a new husband, there wouldn't be any guarantee that she'd be any happier. It was helpful to read about how Dr. Stephens would counsel a walk out woman; how to talk to my husband; how to tear down walls; and the fact that it's okay to do things for **me**. I have spent so many years caring for others and I often feel guilty for doing something for myself.

I am very thankful to have been able to address my issues with depression. I feel that my husband hears me better when I write out my frustrations and hurts and was glad to learn that this is an acceptable way to communicate with your man. Since I've done that, my Mister Wonderful has really been trying to be more attentive to my needs . . . and I am feeling much better.

While "The Walk Out Woman" addresses a negative topic and speaks to serious issues in marriage, it is also uplifting as the authors offer much helpful advice on getting through this time in life.

There are several references to scripture throughout, but it is not overbearing in its use. The authors also refer to many of sources in regards to writings on marriage counselling.

I really never have **wanted** to be a walk out woman, but it seemed the only way of escape for me. After reading this very insightful book, I feel that I am equipped to better handle the issues in my marriage. I hope that if you read it, you will come away refreshed and ready to fight for yours.

http://www.amazon.com/Walk-Out-Woman-Heart-Empty-Dreams/dp/1590522672

Me and Mister

Click here to view these pictures larger

How would you like a chance to win a $50.00 gift card to TJMaxx/Homegoods?

Mama Manifesto Gift Card Contest!

Click the link above to visit Mama Manifesto to see what she was able to get with a $50.00 gift card to TJMaxx/Homegoods and enter for a chance to win your own $50.00 shopping spree!  They have awesome clothes, toys, shoes, sheets, quilts, yada, yada, yada!  I could spend hours in this store, not to mention do some major damage to the budget!  Not because things are expensive here, but because of their amazing prices!  I literally could fill several buggies (that's what we say in the south for shopping cart) full of amazing merchandise for home and family!

Talk soon!

Julia

Saturday

That is all.  Just some Saturday love.  <3

Have a wonderful weekend!

Julia

He is Able . . . Part Two

The year was 1990. It was late spring. I was 22, had been married to a wonderful man for four years, and was the mother of a beautiful little girl. For the most part, I was a very happy young woman. But if anyone could've seen inside me, confusion and torment is what they would've witnessed.  Let's back up a bit.

Even though I loved the man would would be my husband very much, before we actually married, there was a tremendous amount of contention between my dad and me. The problem was that he (my intended) was a member of the Baptist church. I don't know why exactly, but my dad has this "thing" about Baptists. Truthfully, I didn't really know what anyone outside of the Christian church believed, except maybe Roman Catholics, but I'm pretty sure that the Baptists' beliefs being considerably different from ours was one reason my dad wasn't so happy about me marrying Mister. But I did it anyway.

The Bible teaches that "two become one", but when one or the other (or both) of the "two" doesn't break that tie entirely with the parents, it causes all sorts of issues. I had not made that break from my parents and still worried very much what they would think of the decisions my new husband and I would make.  One of my promblems was whether or not to join my husband's church. I knew that would make things even worse with Dad, so I just never did anything about it. Though my husband really wanted me to, I just could not bring myself to it. I just couldn't risk further issues between my dad and me.

Truthfully, attending a Baptist church was a totally strange experience for me. They sure did things differently than the Christian church. Despite that, I still became invovled in several ministries: AWANA, VBS, teaching sunday school, helping in the nursery, and singing in the choir. I loved every minute of it, settling into the church very easily, and was considered a model Christian.  And I was, I suppose, but only outwardly.  Inwardly there was much fear, guilt, and shame over my sins, though I confessed to have been saved.  Truthfully, I really wasn't a Christian, but I didn't understand that then.

I remember one particular afternoon during that time. Standing at the sink washing dishes, I suddenly dropped to my knees and begged God to help me through whatever it was that was going on inside of me. It is very painful to remember that time, probably it is because I hadn't a clue why I was feeling like I did then, but I can clearly see it all now. Not too much later, God made it clear to me that I was lost. I wasn't really saved. I wasn't a Christian. He didn't know me.  There had been a baptism when I was about nine, but that's all. No repentence, sorrow, or faith in what Christ had done for me on the cross. Long story short, it took weeks of me fighting with myself and worrying about what Daddy would say for me to finally accept what the Holy Spirit was telling me. Eventually it became too much to bear and I quietly called out to God to save me one Sunday morning during the invitation.  Though I could not find the strength to make it to the altar, inwardly I had finally accepted that there was nothing I could do to receive His forgiveness for my sins except believe on His son just like John 3:16 talks about. That was the day I finally started living! No more fear of dying! Peace in my heart, through and through.

When I called out to God that morning, one of the things I prayed for was for Him to do whatever He wanted to with my life. Talk about doing exceding abundant above what we ask Him for!  I couldn't ever have worked out things out on my own like He has done.  About six weeks or so after that day, just a few days before I was to be baptized, we found out that our family was growing again! No doctors. No pills. No keeping up with the temperature every morning.

It did not slip my attention that I had become pregnant not long after my salvation . . . and my prayer to God to take my life and use it in any way He thought fit.  Because I believed that this was one way God was honoring my desire, I have always testified and witnessed about this when talking to others about our family.

Anyway, as some of you may know, that surprise pregnancy ended up being a twins.  I can't even begin to tell you the feeling of knowing two babies are growing within the womb. I truly felt doubly blessed by God. I felt so special. And not only had we been blessed with our first child and then the twins, within four years of that time in my life, I had given birth to a total of five children.

So, how does a couple go from being a two-income family supporting two people to being a one-income family supporting seven people? Only by the grace and provision of God. Over the years, my husband had opportunity to move up in his job, which, of course, meant a pay raise each time. Though there were many tight times, I can truly say we've never been without food, clothing, good medical insurance and care, or a roof over our heads. Not only that, we've been able to see a lot of our 'wants' met as well.

Though God has always provided for us, what I've always prayed about the most is for God to use each of my children and for them to live lives that glorify Him. Each of our children has made a profession of faith in Christ and I thank God for this. Beyond each child's salvation, I've also prayed that I would be a godly example and influence on them to be obedient for whatever God called them to do. I believe God has answered that pray as well.

The oldest of our children is attending Bible college and feels called to missions; she loves God with her whole heart and wants nothing more than to always be in His will. Each of the boys works in public safety, one as a fireman and the other in law enforcement, a dream they have each had from they time they were very young. I tell them often that by the Lord answering their prayers and dreams, they're in a unique position to minister to others who are need or are facing a crisis in life, either directly or through prayer . . . or maybe both. As for the two youngest children, that's still to be seen. It's exciting to watch God mold them and lead them down the path He has set before them. Whatever each of them becomes or does with his or her life, I see them being active, influential members of society with much potential to reach many for the Lord and with the gospel. Would that not truly be a prayer that was met exceding abundant above all that I asked!

So as to not make us seem more than what we are, I'll be the first to tell you that we are not a 'perfect' family by any stretch of the imagination.  I am thankful, though, for how God has worked in our lives in spite of that. With each trial that we go through and each mistake that we make, I know that He is working to perfect us.

When I was a girl, I had but one dream: to be a wife and mother. That dream has been answered way beyong my expectations and now I am entering a new phase in life: the children are reaching adulthood. College, serious relationships, living on their own, and adult responsibilites are issues in the family now.  Within a few years, all five of the children will have finished high school and will be pursuing their dreams, if they have not already begun the process.  I have a few new dreams of my own that I will be working toward. How it will all turn out is a mystery to me: where will our daughter serve God in missions and where will the boys' careers lead them? who will the children marry? when will I get to be a grandmother? what will happen to me once I'm an empty-nester?  So much to consider!

When it comes right down to it, though, no matter what happens, past experience has taught me that He is able. But most of all, He will answer my prayers exceding abundant above all that I ask.

Love,

Julia

He is Able . . . Part One

Do you ever just step back from your life and reflect in amazement at what God has done for you? I do . . . and I'm often overwhelmed by His blessings on our family and how He meets our needs and makes our very dreams a reality. It is true what the Bible says: He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask of Him! He doesn't just answer our prayers; He answers them far, far beyond our expectations and in ways that make us look to in in awe of His love and concern for us!


When my husband and I had been married but a year or so, my desire to start our family was overwhelming. After some begging, pleading, and sweet talking, I finally convinced him that we needed to fill our home with little people . . . a mini him and a mini me! Except, eventually that turned out to be a mini me, a mini him x2, another mini me, and then another. And they all came along rather quickly. In fact, five years, four months, and twenty-two days is all the difference there is between the birth of our oldest and youngest children . . . and the three that fall between the two. And, boy, was it an interesting journey getting to that place.

I think one reason Mister was reluctant to start a family then was the fact that I'd have to quit my job when a baby came along. He probably was weighing the financial shift this would cause and wanted to be sure that he would be able to support his growing family on an income that was a lot less than it had been. This is definitely one area that we have seen God bless us in. And I'll share more about that later.

At first, conceiving a child seemed to be beyond our reach. It was disheartening each month to realize that it wasn't happening. Long story short, I did end up at a GYN who figured that things with me were not quite in working order and had me take a fertility drug called Clomid for a about six months. Well, obviously things were so broken and I was pregnant within the first month. I was so excited! My dream of being a mother was going to come true! It was something I had dreamed of since I was a very young girl . . . getting married and having children of my own.

You should have seen my collection of dolls, doll clothes, toy dishes, and doll furniture growing up. Every year from the time I could remember, I received a doll for Christmas . . . and occasionally on my birthday. I don't remember ever losing one of those dolls either! In fact, I've still got all of them and most of the clothes and dishes . . . and a doll cradle that my grandfather picked up at a yard sale or something. My favorite thing to play growing up was house.

Once our daughter was born, everything just sort of fell into place. I was not one bit apprehensive about taking care of her. In fact, I'm ashamed to say now that I didn't even allow my mom or my mother-in-law to come over and help take care of the baby or me when we came home from the hosptial. I wasn't trying to be selfish, but I've always been fiercely independent. Not in a rebellious way . . . but just in a "I can do it my self" way. My husband took a few weeks off to help out but then I was happily on my own at home was he was back at work. Being a mother was second nature to me and I was right where I wanted to be.

I think part of it stemmed from wanting something I could call my own. My own husband . . . my own home . . . my own children. When I was growing up, finances were generally pretty tight and I didn't have as many opportunities for lessons and classes and activities that many of my peers had. I didn't really have anything I was really good at, no special talent or anything like that. I was still very young when I got married and not really ever had the opportunity to do anything that defined who I was. This was my chance and I latched on with gusto.

During this time, we weren't trying to have more children, but at the same time we didn't do anything to keep from having more children. I was just sort of under the impression that I would always have problems becoming pregnant. I mean, it wasn't easy the first time and I just thought that it would always be like that.

But what happened next in my life would forever change who I was.

To be continued . . .

Julia

Living Life on Overdrive: the surgery

To continue this drawn-out saga:

As I was saying, that little nurse just snatched my Mister right up and dragged him kicking and screaming down that long corridor to the surgical prep area without even letting him hug me or kiss me. Or tell me how much he loved me. Or hated me, because I had pretty much threatened him to have the surgery.

Okay. Not really. The traitor went willingly without uttering one word of protest.

I sat down and tried to read my Bible, sitting there by myself, praying they'd come get me soon so I could see my love. All I could think about was seeing him and touching him again before they split him wide open.

Finally, they called me back to see him. After getting to spend about 1/2 hour with him, they came to tell me that they would be carrying him back to the surgical area. It was really, really difficult not to cry. But I didn't. At least not outwardly. I don't remember what we talked about. Probably mostly the IV in his arm, the surgery itself, and some mushy stuff that I won't share.

The rest of the day can be read about in my April 29th post.

After the surgery and Sugar Lips was released from ICU into a regular room, I thought things would be smooth sailing from there.

Dream on, sister.

We ended up spending three more weeks in the hospital. After all of our planning and praying, not much ended up working out like we had hoped. Because Mister's valve had significant damage and calcification, it was replaced with a mechanical valve. This meant that he would have to be on coumadin for the rest of his life.

Unfortunately for my husband, he was too healthy. I've always known that he had a rebellious side and it showed like crazy during his hospital stay! To make a really long story short, it was taking longer than usual for the coumadin to work, and his body rebelled against the heparin that he was on. This caused all sorts of very serious problems, some quite scary, and we were practically back to day one. It would take ten more days for his INR to get to the correct range.

In the end, it worked out that we entered Piedmont Hospital on April 10th and left May 2nd.

And truth be told, we don't have one complaint about the entire experience. God is too good to us to do that. Even though many of our prayers were answered in a totally different way than we'd hoped, God was still good.

For one thing, we were blessed by an amazing support system back home. My mom and mother-in-law took care of the kids, our friends fed the animals (the chickens, dogs, and rabbits . . . NOT the kids!), and another friend drove our daughter back and forth to school so that she could be here for the surgery.

After we got home from the hosptial after being there nearly a month, we fully expected that everything would return to normal right away. Will we never learn?

One thing I did learn from all of this is not to really have any expectations of how something will turn out, especially when you pray and ask God to take control. Once I get something set in my mind, all I am doing is setting myself up for disappointment when it doesn't turn out like I want it too. But only God knows what is best in each of our lives. If I would learn to set my mind to follow God's will and purpose, then I would be more content. It's been a hard lesson to learn but I am glad He is a willing, patient teacher. I'm just not so sure if I'm a willing, patient student.

One of the most disappointing things about being in the hospital that long was missing our sons' 18th birthdays and our daughter's first prom. But the kids were really understanding about it all. I think we're all just glad that we'll have their dad around to celebrate other important events in their lives.

And even though there was a period of adjustment when we got home, we had some amazing people providing meals for us for THREE weeks! Do you know what this means? I did not cook a meal from the first of April until nearly the beginning of June! We had so much food! It was just overwhelming the amount of time and effort other people put into ministering to us during this time.

Tomorrow morning will mark the twentieth week since our lives were changed and a long-time prayer of mine was answered. A year ago I was very angry and bitter towards my husband because he would not take care of himself and had not made any effort at getting his valve repaired. Last December, when he became so ill with that virus and was forced back into the doctor's office, I had prayed only days before that God would restore our marriage and make it better than it had ever been. I confessed my sins of anger and bitterness to Him, asking Him to take care of my husband's heart for me. Little did I know that by humbling myself before the Lord like that and confessing my wrong attitude, He would answer my prayer so quickly.

Life this summer has been a strange mix of having my husband home until July, getting adjusted to my new job, not having my boys around much since they have graduated and are working now, and lots of other changes.

For so long my life just went along gently down the stream, like the song says. Things will never quite be the same again. But that's not a bad thing.

Mister has been back at work for eight weeks, has lost forty pounds, and will have another sleep study soon to see if he can come off of his CPAP machine. And though there are still some scary times with him being on the coumadin, I am glad to know that God's hand in at work in our lives.

Thanks for reading all about our many adventures over the past year. If you're still awake, drop me a line and let me know what's up with you!

Love,

Julia

Living Life on Overdrive

I just looked at the date of my last post: April 29th! How can that be? I think I can answer my own question: life has been on overdrive around our house since last September. And I cannot for the life of me find the brake! This thing has gotta run out of gas sooner or later! Seriously!

Have you ever felt like your life has just totally taken over and left you behind? I think that's what has happened in this tiny little house, located on a quite cul-de-sac, that's situated in a tiny little neighborhood. Life has just gotten big! And some things in life that were important at one time now seem really small and insignificant.

Although I really enjoyed sharing my life with you when I first began this blog, and you really seemed to enjoy reading about all the craziness going on in my head, things began to slow down, er speed up, late last spring ('08). I think that I'm the one that began to slow down! By early summer, the updates had pretty much dried up. Readers were even writing me, begging for me to write more. But I just didn't feel like sharing much. I think everything was so overwhelming that I couldn't sort through it all enough to make any sense from it.

It's not that I didn't want to write and keep you updated. I really, really did. One thing that happened is that, after subscribing to and reading lots of other blogs, I felt like my blogged lacked something that others had. Mine somehow just wasn't good enough. I'm really hard on myself. A perfectionist. An all-or-nothing sort of girl. Another thing is that, with a life like mine, something gets left undone every day. Sometimes lots of things get left undone. Important things. Mundane things. Sometimes, everything but the very basic things. Mister and the rest of the gang just better be glad that there is clean underwear in the clothes basket. Forget folding it. Who's going to know if your underwear is wrinkled from being tossed in the clothes basket and forgotten about for five days?

Things got so wild around here that even Bertha Mae has disappeared. I still haven't found her. I really wish she'd come back. I miss that girl. Life is no fun without her. There really hasn't been any four-wheelin', mud-slingin', or bra-buying events going on to write about. It just seems like life has been so serious lately. It's so hard to find humor in life like I used to. And, to be blunt, that fact just sucks rotten eggs!

So, exactly what has been going on for the last 12 months? Here is a little outline:

• August '08: Family vacation to the beach for 8 days; come home on the 22nd, take oldest daughter to college on the 23rd. Go back on the 30th for parent orientation. Boys enter senior year of high school.
• September '08: begin a journey with a new GYN that keeps me in her office every month for 6 months straight.
• October '08: Ultrasounds reveals cysts on both ovaries. One is smallish, the other is nearly 7 cm across. Start a round of birth control pills that make me feel like you-know-what. Oh, yeah. Joy of joys. Got my mammies grammed. :) All was good with that!
• November '08: Finally make it to the gastro doctor for some serious pain that's been going on for over a year. He does tons of bloodwork and orders some imaging tests. Take the four kids and my mom to TN to visit my aunt; pick up daughter at school on the way home. Take her back 7 days later. A trip up there and back is a six hour drive, minimum. All that driving and I'm not even getting to be on vacation! Good grief, Charlie Brown! Began suffering through some sort of allergy that had not acted up in a long while; finally figured out that it was caused by eating ground beef!
• December '08: Had visits with three different doctors this month: endocrinologist, gastro, and GYN. Endo turned out great; gastro treats me for a h-pylori infection and performs an endoscopy, as well as orders an ultrasound and scan on my gallbladder, says I gotta get the gallbladder out; GYN does another ultrasound and says I need to get that cyst out. She decides that the cyst can come out when the gall bladder does to save having to have surgery twice. Make the trip to pick up #1 daughter from school for Christmas.
• December '08, part II: Hubby comes down with a terrible infection and ends up home from work a week. Looses 15 pounds (good thing that happened in a bad way!) and gets in trouble with his primary care for not having more extensive testing to find out the damage to his mitral valve. Pretty much gives him no choice but to have a new echo on the heart. See a heart doctor the next day. She schudules a sleep study for him and puts him on meds to lower his blood pressure in order to take pressure off the heart. Will have to be on a CPAP machine. Cardio sets him up to have a cardiac MRI at the Fuqua Heart Center in Atlanta because the regurgetation seems to be moderate to serious. This just gets seriouser and seriouser by the minute.
• December '08, part III: God gives me peace and lets me know that He'll be doing amazing in our family in the coming year.
• January '09: Hubby and I continue spending all of the family budget on doctor visits. Hubby has an MRI, an appointment with a pulmonologist about his CPAP, visit with a cardiac surgeon to find out if he'll need heart surgery, and a visit his regular cardiologist to follow up about everything. I have appointments with a general surgeon and my GYN to get my surgery set up.
• January '09, part II: Do you ever wonder why God does what He does when He does it? Well, if I never did before, I do now! After praying for a while about a part time job that has flexible days and hours, God opens wide an opportunity to work for our local 4-H. What I had been doing as a volunteer for 9 years, I was now going to get paid!
• February '09: Started my new job on February 2nd. Had surgery on February 9th to remove my gall bladder and the cyst . . . but ended up having nearly the entire left ovary removed because it was so big. On the 18th leave for our church's couples' retreat for three days. Things otherwise are quiet this month. Wait IMpatiently for Mister to decide when to have his heart surgery.
• March '09: Though there isn't a lot on the calendar this month, the things that ARE there are big: 4-H District Project Achievement, which takes WEEKS to prepare for, finally arrives. We are there for an entire weekend. It is hard to be away from Mister, but Baby Girl gets FIRST in her project area and will get to go to State Congress in July! The boys come to the 4-H center to receive green/white cords to wear during their graduation. I continue working at my new job and begin to get things ready for the boys' graduation in May, including a 4-minute slide presentation that will be shown during the ceremony.
• March '09, part II: Mister and I spend a lot of time discussing when he should have his surgery. He really wants to put it off until summer, but the surgeon and I really want him to have it sooner. There is the possibility that the heart will just give out, even though he has no symptoms. There are things to consider, such as when #1 daughter gets out of school for the summer and planning the surgery far enough out that Mister will be home in time and recovered enough to be at the boys' graduation. Finally, he sets a date: April 10th. Later in the month he will begin have pre-op visits for his heart catherization (to see if he has any blockages that will be fixed during the heart surgery). I send out a plea to the world for prayers for my man. People cry. People pray. People just begin to realize how serious this will be.
• April '09: Before Mister can have his mitral valve surgery, he must have a heart cath. I threathen to kill him if he has clogged arteries on top of everything else. :) God is merciful to Mister and the heart cath is 100% clear! I don't have to go to jail for murdering my husband. On April 3rd, we head to Piedmont Hospital for the pre-op visit for his big surgery. We hit traffic and are late. We get there. We spend 3 hours there filling out paperwork and trying to figure our way around the hospital. We are tired. We eat cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. We are happy. I buy a netbook computer to take to the hospital.
• April '09, part II: The day before his surgery, we are called back to the hospital for more bloodwork. There may be an infection that will keep him from having the surgery. Praise the Lord it came back clear and the surgery will procede as planned. I buy a new camera at Best Buy. We head home to pack bags and get everything ready. We go to bed very late and get up too early. Mister must be at the hosptial by 5:45 a.m. This means we get up at 4:00 a.m. and leave by 5:00 a.m. As soon as we get to the hospital, they snatch him away from me and take him back to the prep area! I am NOT ready! Wait! I didn't get to hug him or kiss him . . . or tell him how very much that I love him.

Wow. This is getting so long. I will close now and continue in a new post.

Glad to be back.

Julia

Hang on! It's a wild ride!

If there's one thing I've learned these past 20 days, it's don't have any expectations, especially if you've prayed about something. If you've asked God to handle something, let Him.

Another thing is this: learn to be flexible cause things are not always going to turn out like they (meaning doctors) say they will.

We arrived at Piedmont Hospital in downtown Atlanta on Friday morning, April 10th at 5:45 a.m. and it is now Wednesday, April 29th at 8:00 a.m. And we're still here.

Anyway, we had to be out the door by 4:45 a.m. on the day of surgery. That meant that our alarm was going off at 3:45 a.m. Had we been able to get in bed at a decent hour, this wouldn't have been so bad, but the day before the surgery Mister was called back up here to have more blood drawn as one of his tests came back a little higher than what it should've been. There was the real possibility that we may have to reschedule the surgery. That was not something we wanted to think about after all the weeks of mentally preparing ourselves for what lay ahead. Thankfully things came back within the normal range and things were going to procede as planned. Anyway, since we spent a good part of the day in Atlanta, this put us way behind getting things done at home, thus we go in the bed lots later than I wanted to.

Of course, this didn't bother Mister much seeing as how he would be knocked out for most of the day Friday. I, however, was very concerned about my lack of sleep, especially considering I would already be feeling like an exposed nerve for all the world to rub the wrong way. Or the 16 or so friends and family members who congregated in the ICU red waiting area with me throughout the day. Bertha Mae thought it was something akin to a big family reunion, but without all the fried chicken and pecan pie. I had to let her know real quick like that she needed to settle down and behave before I knocked her block off. And, push come to shove, I would have too. Thankfully we were both able to behave ourselves very well that day, despite our fatigue and concern over Mister. And so did all of our concerned family and friends.

(One plus though was that if things had gotten ugly, we were at the hospital, right around the corner from the emergency room.)

For all of my concerns about Mister's actual surgery and the long day that loomed before me, I am happy to report that all went well. The procedure itself began about 9:30, and by 1:30 in the afternoon, we were visiting him for the first time in ICU red. Even though he was still under anesthesia and he had no clue we were there, I was so glad to see him. Which made it incredibly difficult to leave him back there and not be able to come back again for two hours. Time past quickly though and before long he was awake. Not that he remembers any of us coming back there, though this is common in open heart surgery patients. Unfortunately, this would not be the only time that he would be having memory issues. More on that later.

Once everyone was assured that Mister was doing well, it was time for everybody to head back home. While it was somewhat of a relief for me to finally have some quiet time to think about everything, it also meant that I was on my own in a huge hospital.

To be continued.

Julia

Help! Rescue us!

Help! Being held captive by the nursing staff. Please send clean underwear, reading material, and some good food! Somebody grab my Wellbutrin from the bathroom cabinet. Will meet you by the elevator. Codeword: get.us.outta.here. Will be wearing flowered pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt. Mister will be pushing a pole and wearing a hosptial gown (don't worry, it's tied up in the back).

Over and out.

Julia

Huge prayer request with some specific needs

Dear friends and family,

Our family is in a position of great need at the moment: Mister is scheduled to have heart surgery on Friday, April 10th. He was born with a condition called mitral valve prolapse. It is supposed to be a fairly benign condition wherein the valve does not close all the way. However, my husband is one of the few that has trouble. Basically the problem is that he has severe regurgitation with his, meaning that blood backs up into the chamber. It has been going on for some time and has caused the chamber to become enlarged. We found out back in December that he really needs to have something done about it, but it took a while for tests and getting everything set up.

While I covet your prayers for a successful surgery, I do have some very specific things that I would like for you to pray, if you don’t mind.

1. We will not know if he requires a valve repair or replacement until the doctor actually does a TEE the day of the surgery! That means I will be sitting in the waiting area and will have no clue what’s going on unless they decide to come out and tell me. We are praying for a repair as that is really the best route! If he has a valve replacement, it will mean being on a blood thinner for the rest of his life. This would also require that he have the more invasive surgery.

2. I would also ask that you pray for a minimally invasive surgery to be able to be performed. In this instance, they would not have to break his sternum nor would they have to make that huge cut down the front of his chest. There is a procedure wherein they are able to make small incisions on each side of his chest and use some sort of robotics to do the repair.

3. Pray for God to give wisdom to the surgeons.

4. Please pray that there will be no complications during the surgery. Specifically, I am concerned about blood clots, stroke, heart attack, infection, etc. Also pray for NO side effects from having to be on the heart-lung machine. There are some issues that can occur because of having to be on that machine and I am praying for there to be none.

5. Please pray for his heart cath on Monday, April 6 @ 9:45 a.m. They want to check for blockages, which will be fixed during the surgery. We are praying for NO blockages! This will complicate the surgery some and I am hoping that it can be kept as simple as possible.

6. Please pray for my peace of mind during the long hours in the waiting room. I am really not looking forward to that part! Having to sit there for such a long period of time and not know what’s going on will be very trying. My husband is my comforter (aside from the Lord, of course) and I will be lost without him there by my side.

7. Pray for our daughter to be able to get home from college at some point during this time. She will be preparing for final exams and such as she gets out of school May 9th, but she would really like to come home.

8. I don’t know what it will be like for some weeks after Mister's surgery as far as just the general daily stuff that life is made of. And our boys graduate on May 30th with the homeschool group. I feel like I will have to be solely responsible for A LOT during those couple months after his surgery. He will not be able to drive for six weeks or so after his surgery so I am adding one more to my chauffeuring detail; pray for God to work in that as well as I now have a job working 19 hours a week for the Extension office with the local 4-H program. They are very flexible about my schedule, but I imagine my husband will have a lot of appointments for several weeks following his surgery. Pray that God will give me the strength I need during this time when my support system (my husband) is going to be out of commission.

9. On a side note, our son takes his firefighter one test at the end of April. Pray that God will allow him to pass this test as he has been studying very hard. He is hoping to get on with the fire department soon. Our other son would like a job working in the jail after he turns 18. I am not thrilled about it, but it is what he wants. Pray for God to open that door if it’s His will.

God has worked in this situation so much already, even BEFORE we even knew about Randall having to have surgery. For instance, I do NOT, repeat NOT NOT NOT drive on the surface streets of downtown Atlanta by myself. But back in December, a full month before we went for his cardiac MRI at Piedmont, I had an appointment with an endocrinologist at Piedmont Hospital that I ended up having to drive to BY MYSELF! I had been putting off making that appointment for MONTHS, but I finally broke down and scheduled a date for early December. Normally I would’ve chosen someone around here, but there just wasn’t anyone around. Anyway, since I had to drive to downtown Atlanta AND get off the interstate to get to the office, I dreaded that like I don’t know what. But PTL I made it there and home with no problems. Now for the amazing part: my husband’s cardiac surgeon is in the SAME complex!! Is that not God? I knew right where we were going the first time we had an appointment with the surgeon. Good thing because I will be driving there on my own a lot in the near future. I am thankful God showed me I can do the hard things. And survive them!

Thank you so very much for remembering us during this very trying time. I am anxious to have this behind us, but I am not looking forward to having to actually live through it! I thought that I would be relieved to have the surgeries set, but the closer the time gets . . . well, I am sure you know what I mean. I just don’t know what to think. Though I do know that our faith will be strengthened during this time. God will be with us withersoever we go (Joshua 1:9).

Here is some information for you if you have any questions or want to know more: http://www.sjm.com/procedures/procedure.aspx?name=Mitral+Valve+Repair&section=Overview.

Thanks again.

Julia

Stay Tuned!

Believe it or not (and I hope you do believe it), I will return in all of my glory (ahem) very shortly with some new posts. Just give me a few hours to empty the brain of its contents. See, I am having lots of trouble remembering things right now and I'm certain it is because I haven't put my thoughts out there for y'all to read in a while. Gotta do a little spring cleaning up there to make more room for more things to think about . . . and write about.

See you shortly!

Julia

Sleepless. But not in Seattle.

It's 6:24 a.m. on Sunday morning. I fell asleep on the courch watching a movie with Mister Bloomin' Life and awoke at 4:30 a.m. Stumbling off to the bedroom, pillow in hand, I brushed my teeth and fell onto my glorious cool, clean sheets. Normally when this happens I fall back to sleep peacefully in my own bed. But this time I did not, could not sleep. I tossed. I turned. I got frustrated. Finally, I just got up. I just hate this. Today (Sunday) is not going to be a good day if I don't get some sleep. The living room is tidy now, as is the kitchen. I took a shower and washed my hair. I feel like something is bothering me, but I'm not sure what it is. I feel like . . . I don't know. My soul is disturbed.

So much is going on right now:

• I'm fostering four little kittens that a mama cat left in my garage. They were quite sick but a rescue organization in town is helping out with meds and such.
• Another kitten from a different litter/mama showed up; he hasn't been to be treated yet and is sleeping in a cage on the front porch. He can't be near the other kitties because they may still be contagious. This little guy seems to be pretty healthy. We'll see.
• Something ate me up, y'all! I found four lone star seed ticks on me Thursday and Friday, but it looks as if some fleas or something just tore the rest of my torso up. I'm miserably itchy and uncomfortable. Benadryl makes me too drowsy, so I bought some spray-on itch stuff at Wally World Saturday night. We'll see how that works.
• Little Miss heads off to college in a month.
• Time to get ready for the new school year.
• I've got some health issues going on, and the doctor has no clue what the problem is. My lips have been swollen for several weeks now; this causes them to become very dry and my skin cracks in the corners.
• I think I'm just going crazy.

Well, time to go dry my hair. Am feeling a little drowsy, but I know that we'll be leaving for church in three hours. Hope preacher has something good to say this morning!

Talk soon.

J.L.